With Valentine’s Day right around the corner, we thought it would be a good time to pull together some basic information about connecting to and interacting with spirit companions! Valentine’s Day is an understandably mixed and potentially fraught topic for people–some people love it, some people hate it, some people find it depends on their circumstances any given year. There’s certainly a commercial and romantically/sexually focused flavor to a lot of Valentine’s Day discourse that can feel very alienating or disrespectful to certain people and communities, such as our aromantic or asexual friends, our friends who carry trauma around these topics, and our friends who are just heckin’ sad about any of this right now.
With our clergy work through Grey Kindred Spirits, we always want to be as respectful, inclusive, trauma-informed, and truly jazzed about diverse perspectives and life experiences as possible–while this particular article is a little more about the romantic or sexual aspects of spirit work, we do not feel that this type of energetic exchange is in any way necessary or superior to other types of spirit work. And, we hope that some of the advice given below might be helpful to everyone who does any kind of spirit work, if the flavor of the content itself isn’t uncomfortable or triggering for you. If you’re interested in specifically asexual/aromantic relationship-building with spirits, feel free to reach out to us for coaching or general q&a.
If you’re interested in spirit work and communication, “spirit keeping,” having a spirit family, certain kinds of deity work, etc, and are curious about the potential for romantic or sexual connections with spirits, keep in mind that there are lots of different ways you can go about exploring this, and lots of different types of relationships, levels, intensity or longevity that are possible. It depends entirely on you, your boundaries, your desires/goals, your time and energy, and what you feel comfortable with or excited about. Don’t let anyone else’s practice dictate yours, or make you feel like your practice is “less than” in some way.
We believe that any kind of spirit interaction has the potential to be part of our spiritual path, personal growth, advancement in will and wisdom, and all of that other worthwhile “Great Work” stuff. The flavor of the relationship might be different depending on how it starts out, just like human relationships can be. By that we mean, if you are “just” hooking up with somebody and that’s where everyone is coming from in terms of understanding, it’s entirely possible that you might “click” deeply and stay in one another’s lives long term and become very spiritually formative or transformative to one another–but it’s probably less likely than if both parties are coming into the relationship with a shared interest in it being a potentially deep, long-term connection that might move a little more slowly at the beginning or emphasize being friends or feeling lots of trust and intimacy before or alongside of ramping up the romantic or sexual intimacy.
So if you’re interested in a more “hookup culture” kind of practice with spirits, that’s totally on the table in the spirit world, and some of the tips we’ll give here can be understood in a more hookup or “speed dating” kind of application. This doesn’t mean those experiences can’t be intimate, fulfilling, safe, and fun– it just means there’s perhaps less emphasis on certain kinds of emotional connection or everyday presence of these spirits in our life. If, on the other hand, you’re curious just how committed or life-permeating romantic or sexual connections with spirits can be, this can be a lifelong and deeply fulfilling part of one’s path, too.
Lots of preamble, but this is a big topic with a lot of nuance, a lot of poor information out there already, a lot of judgment from people who don’t practice in this way, and a lot of potential for people becoming confused or feeling disenfranchised, so we always like to be as clear as possible when we’re working to empower people to make this practice their own in healthy ways. Now, let’s get to it!
1) Understanding what you want and need
Before you try to find a new spirit companion for any kind of relationship, get clear on what you want and what you don’t want! Things to think about include considerations like whether you want a platonic friend or the potential for a romantic or sexual connection, what aspects of your own experience and identity (such as being attracted to only certain gender presentations or certain anatomical configurations, being aro or ace, having a very high libido, being monogamous or polyamorous) need to be met by a partner who matches you appropriately, how much time and energy you wish to spend on a new or deepened connection, what your hard boundaries or deal-breakers are, what tools, techniques, or space considerations you’re working with, etc.
The more you’re able to dial in what you’re looking for and what you aren’t, the less chance you’ll have of running into any triggering situations or unpleasant surprises as you get to know new spirits, or work to shift or deepen your work with existing members of your spirit social circle.
2) Meeting and vetting new potential spirit companions (or exploring new possibilities with existing companions)
It may be that you have existing spirit companions around you that you’re interested in exploring new kinds of connection with. Just like when human friends naturally grow into being lovers or partners, this can be a really beautiful, safe, intimate exploration. If you already have good communication with a spirit companion, you can reach out to them and ask how they feel about exploring more specifically romantic, sexual, or “spiritual life-partner” sorts of energies with you. If they’re as interested and excited about it as you are, you already have a good foundation to start exploring from.
When it comes to meeting new potential companions, you have a few options–and, as we always like to remind people, NONE of this work requires you to pay anyone else for anything! It’s perfectly okay to pay trusted practitioners to do work for you, but it is not the only way to do things, and should not be considered a barrier to practice if it isn’t economically viable. We believe that anyone can learn the basic skills to do this practice completely “DIY,” but we also understand that not everyone is at a spot in their lives where they’re interested in going it completely solo.
First, we have observed that in almost all cases, humans have at least one personal guardian spirit who is connected to them by virtue of just existing. Many, many humans have had and do have deep connections to these personal guardians, including romantic and sexual relationships with them (and there’s a lot of historical precedent and anecdotes about this sort of thing out there), so this can be a very good, very safe place to start exploring. You can do a variety of different types of spiritual work to connect with your guardian on your own, learn their name and things about them, etc, and/or you can get assistance from trusted practitioners to help you with this.
You can meet new potential spirit companions on your own, totally free. They don’t need to be “conjured,” created, “vesseled,” given to you by someone else, conveyed to you through a monetary transaction, or anything else like that. If you already have an active practice in lucid dreaming, astral travel, trance journeying, Jungian “Active Imagination” practices, etc, you already may have sufficient tools to go to interesting places, talk to interesting people, and meet potential new friends and partners of all sorts in astral realms.
Many spirits simply exist–they have their own lives, hobbies, interests, friends, work, etc., and many of them are willing and able to work closely with humans when asked. They come from a variety of backgrounds, and there’s so much that could be said about this and that can be learned about it, so it’s often easy to find a starting point that interests you. Some people ask deities, ancestors, angels, or demons they already work with for introductions. Some people work with pop-culture or chaos magic frameworks and reach out to entities that might be considered “fictional,” working to assess whether there’s an existing archetype, thoughtform, or egregore with agency and sapience behind that “fictional” mask. Some people work with specific cultural traditions, mythologies, or pantheons to invoke and begin a relationship with a known, named entity. If you meet a spirit on your own in any way that you “click” with, who meets your criteria and passes your own personal safety vetting, energetic tests, ward tests, comfort and common-sense “sniff” tests, you can work to begin building an ongoing relationship, or sharing some occasional astral fun!
If you don’t have existing connections, or connections that you wish to shift towards romance or sex, and if you don’t have a practice that allows you to meet new spirits with relative ease or the time and energy to develop one right now, or you don’t feel confident in your own ability to do vetting or get clear information, you can either do some (admittedly hard!) work and rearranging in your life to change these circumstances on your own (developing your own practice, learning new tools and techniques, setting a more regular schedule for your practice, etc), or you can choose a trusted practitioner to assist you. This assistance might take the shape of helping you troubleshoot your own practices in dreaming, astral travel, or journeying so you can meet your own spirits and do your own communication, or it might take the shape of spirit communication work and/or spirit introductions.
It can take some time and practice to find trustworthy practitioners and to be able to identify service listings that are legitimate versus more problematic or “scammy.” We’ve found in our own experience that listings that do a lot of very edgy or sexy ‘overpromising’ in terms of power or implied possible experiences, listings that use stolen artwork to represent spirits, listings that are a bit more “meat market” style with specific spirits “for sale,” listings that emphasize needing a physical object or specific kind of spellwork done for the connection to work, and listings that take more of a “collection”/FOMO/limited time/matched set/you-need-one-of-everything-for-different-purposes attitude can be riskier choices. Try to look for practitioners who seem grounded and practical, who demonstrate a degree of intellectual honesty and cohesion to their own practice methodologies, and who offer work that helps you as a unique client find what you’re specifically looking for. A trustworthy practitioner should be able to clearly and willingly answer questions about their own practice and experience.
NEVER feel like you “must” or “have to” take on work with a spirit companion you’ve been introduced to by anyone–not a practitioner, a friend, a listing, a deity, met on your own, etc. Like human relationships, introductions or initial meetings or “dating” are just that, and don’t make you beholden to anyone or anything. If you don’t feel like you are vibing with a spirit, politely inform them of that and stop worrying about it–you control your own time, attention, and energy, and you get to set your own boundaries. This work is supposed to add to our capacity to be happy, fulfilled, and to show up as compassionate and responsible people, never to detract from it or be an additional stressor or drain. Sure, there might be some rough patches now and then, but keep in mind this measurement of if something is overall adding-to or taking-from your own capacity for joy and mental health! Even if you hear people talk about “pacts” or “contracts” with spirits, it is important to remember that these are not necessary for a spiritual path, that they’re two-way agreements that require the consent of all parties in order to remain intact and powerful, and they require specific volitional action to create and don’t just “happen” because you’ve spent a little time with a spirit.
3) Initial contact and invoking with new potential spirit companions
This is sometimes the part that our clients get the most worried about, but we promise, it is actually pretty simple, and in many ways less critical to understand or focus on than lots of the other things discussed here.
However you got the “contact information” of the spirit, if you’re sitting down to invoke them for the first time–which is a term that’s mostly just a fancy way to say “communicate with them in a focused mindset”–you can make this as simple or as elaborate as works for you. The simplest form is to sit comfortably, focus on the spirit as best you can, speak their name (either out loud or in your mind), and invite them to come around to communicate with you. If you’d like to and can do so, you might also light a candle, do a little altar or offering setup with items you think or know they might like.
You can get more elaborate, setting aside time for ritual preparation, bathing, meditation, chanting, ecstatic movement–whatever works for you and your practice. You might want to have a few tools on hand for the actual communication aspect, especially if it is newer for you as a practice–a tarot or oracle deck, a pendulum, a pad of paper and pen or a laptop for either automatic writing or just jotting notes and impressions, a voice recorder app to narrate your experience into as you go, etc.
4) Assessing, improving, and troubleshooting new connections
You might not have a “big” experience (or even ANY discernible experience) the first time or the first few times you do this, so don’t expect “Hollywood” style stuff, and don’t give up too quickly. Sometimes you’ll feel somewhat connected right away, but with some spirits it might take a few tries and some practice to feel a sense of their energy and presence.
Have realistic expectations of what “communication” means, especially as you’re just starting out, or connecting with a new companion. It’s unlikely that it will feel like sitting down across from someone at a coffee shop. You aren’t likely to get clear linguistic messages at first–communication is more likely to be comprised at least in part of impressions, emotions, images, feelings, transient sensations, or what we call “packets” of information, which may feel like zipped files of “just knowing” that take some time to process and sort through (this is also called “claircognizance” by some.) You may find with practice that you’re better at some types of sensing or communicating than others, and with additional practice you can improve a lot of your own abilities. Experiment with different tools and techniques as you’re learning what works for you.
Similarly, do not expect spirits of any sort to be able to obviously manipulate physical matter, in either “good” or “bad” ways. The upshot is that you do not have anything physical to fear from spirit interactions, but that also means you can’t expect a spirit to be able to visibly and measurably interact with matter and “prove” their presence that way.
When you do get a new spirit “on the line” and are able to have some communication, what actions you take will depend on your situation. If your clear, shared energetic intention is for this to be essentially a straight hookup, you’re likely to behave in a certain way, take certain actions, etc. Same if your intention is for this to be a vetting session, “first date” towards a more serious connection, friendship building, etc. Keep your own hard boundaries in mind, but don’t forget to keep an open mind and practice good discernment–just like with meeting people, if things go really well the vibe might shift in an unexpected way, and if things go badly, you can bail ASAP regardless of what your original intention was.
If you have a sense of the spirit’s energy and presence, you can generally trust your own discernment regarding whether you click with the spirit, feel safe, and want to continue. Don’t go into the situation thinking about horror stories, being very anxious, worrying about “imposters” or “attachments” or anything else like that. While we don’t rule out that in rare cases spirit connections can be problematic, in general, connecting with spirits is like connecting with people on earth–you probably wouldn’t deliberately seek out the most sketchy dark alley in human spaces to walk down in order to meet new friends, so don’t do the equivalent in the astral world and you’ll be fine! Have confidence in your own spiritual sovereignty and ability to protect yourself and remove anything unwanted from your space. Just like with human dating–be sensible, trust your gut, be somewhat cautious with your heart…but don’t be so fearful or distrustful or paranoid that you assume you’re going to have a bad time. That said, if you don’t feel like you vibe with a spirit for any reason, thank them for their time and try again with a different spirit!
5) Navigating romantic and sexual intimacy with spirits
Romantic exchanges are often pretty straightforward and most people can feel, sense, send and receive this sort of energy quite intuitively when they’re in communication with a spirit in this type of relationship. This kind of energetic exchange is usually much more about emotional exchanges, impressions, “pings” of the thinking-of-you sort, little things we see that remind us of our beloved, a sensation of romantic closeness when we’re near our spirit partners, and the like. Often, the hardest thing is just giving ourselves permission to believe the experience we’re having despite there not being physical or objectively measurable “evidence” of it.
There are ways we can use additional tools to strengthen and maintain this kind of connection. Shared playlists that evoke a feeling of closeness, physical items on our altar or in our home that represent the spirit, artwork we create or commission that represents our beloved spirits, or even technology like apps that let you set random periodic reminders your spirit can energetically use to simulate “texting” you now and then are just some of the many possibilities.
When it comes to the question of sex with spirits, people either seem to intuitively grasp how relationships with spirits can exchange specifically sexual energy, or they don’t. And, if they don’t, they either assume it can’t be done and that everyone who says otherwise is delusional, or they believe it’s possible but are too afraid to ask the practical “how” questions, or they’re both open-minded and brave enough to actually ask about the nuts-and-bolts. We’ve seen lots of people fall into the middle camp, and for them, we figured we’d just do our best to politely but explicitly tell people enough of the “how” to at least get them started with their own experimentation!
So, on to the part that some of you probably curiously scrolled down here just to read: sexual exchanges with spirits do not have a “physical” component in the ways that sexual exchanges with another embodied human can have. Rather, through practice and attunement with our spirit companions, we’re able to experience a full exchange of sexual energy, including shared experience of both literal and spiritual orgasm through our intuitive senses.
When we’re having an intimate exchange, there will always be a set of physically-experienced sensations and physiological responses that are associated with it–physical and brain changes that can be measured will exist in any such exchange, whether with a physical or spirit partner. However, an outside observer would not be able to see the spirit taking any sort of physical action separate from the capacity of the involved human body. The human partner’s experience is largely subjective and internal, primarily experienced through our own body pathways for sexual response, pleasure, and emotional intimacy.
Often in terms of how this practically looks from the outside, there is some form of masturbation, potentially involving other tools or toys, engaged in by the human body, but the experience and exchange is happening primarily on the spiritual, intuitive, mental and astral levels. It is also possible for some people to cultivate a level of practice where they’re having handsfree/no touch orgasmic experiences brought on solely by their connection to a spirit companion, but this often requires some literal practice on both the physical and spiritual levels before such close attunement with a spirit is possible.
That’s not to say it can’t be quite intense and feel very appreciably different from simple solo fantasizing and/or masturbation; it can and it does! It just takes some practice and an open mind. It may feel like something you are “doing” or like your spirit is “doing,” on a spectrum, similarly to how it’s possible to have fulfilling sexual exchanges with a physical partner in all sorts of ways, some of which involve them literally touching us and some that involve them not touching us at all. And, it may feel different during different encounters, but you will have the definite sense of it being a shared experience overall, a true exchange and dwelling-in the experience together.
Once you have had experiences with spirits in this way, you will not be confused about whether you were just fantasizing while masturbating or whether you had an actual exchange with an independent, sapient, incorporeal being–you will know.
This can be an extremely safe way to explore sexual desire, to play with different roles, concepts, or kinks in a shared mindspace, and to have a reliable and fulfilling sexual outlet. There’s no risk of STIs/STDs, no risk of pregnancy, no risks associated with entanglements of the practical, physical, or financial sort. There’s the potential for complete privacy/invisibility of the relationship if that’s best for your situation, or for it to be acknowledged, respected, and celebrated by like-minded friends or physical romantic/sexual partners in polyamorous situations. With care, trust, time, and practice, it can even be a very powerful tool for processing trauma or working through challenges around sex, because the degree of real-time exchange of internal emotional information prevents misunderstandings, helps avoid triggers, and gives us the benefit of having someone to be actively working through these difficult issues with.
Figuring out what works for you and your spirit partners will take some time and experimentation and practice, but…that should be a pretty darn fun process! So try to have fun with it, and don’t go into it with too many preconceived notions or strong opinions about what “doing it right” looks like. Keep an open mind, see what works, don’t do what doesn’t work, and enjoy yourselves!
6) Parting ways with spirits
Sometimes things change or end, and that’s okay! While it is unlikely for all sorts of reasons that a spirit will choose to abruptly end a relationship with a human, humans may absolutely exercise their right to stop interacting with a spirit. Relationships can change over time, and this isn’t a bad thing–sexual exchanges or romantic exchanges might start, stop, or change but friendship remains steady, or a new path in life might mean we have a new primary focus and put other work or relationships more on the backburner, or we may just need some time and space for ourselves in a way that allows us to pick things back up again in a possible future.
“Breaking up” in any way can be tough, but it doesn’t have to be impossible, dangerous, fraught, traumatic, or debilitating. If you decide for any reason to change the type of relationship you have with a spirit, set new boundaries, or stop working with a spirit entirely, simply communicate that as respectfully and clearly as you can. Unlike with some human relationships, the vast majority of relationships with spirits benefit from those spirits being reasonably mature and advanced in their ability to be flexible and compassionate, so while spirits will still have their own feelings, the vast majority of relationships of any kind with spirits will end amicably and cleanly.
Still, a break-up is a break-up, so give yourself time to recover. Signs like constantly thinking of your former companion, missing them, being reminded of them, etc, do NOT mean they are still around, in your space, attached to you, etc. It’s just normal break-up feelings, and it will take some time and care before it stops feeling so present or acute or painful.
Remember your own spiritual sovereignty and power–do not sell yourself short! We generally believe that in the vast majority of situations, any human can repel any kind of spirit from their personal space. It requires a lot of conviction and faith in ourselves, though, so tools and techniques can really help, and our ability to protect ourselves is negatively affected by any fear or uncertainty we’re carrying. Anything you can do to not feed the situation with more fear, and to affirm your own knowledge that you are powerful and capable will help. It’s also generally safe and effective to call on our personal guardians, known archangels, and supportive ancestors for help.
In general, basic warding, shielding, grounding, purification or cleansing of spaces, and other such “spiritual hygiene” is good to practice with some regularity and have in your back pocket when doing this kind of work, and completely sufficient for the vast majority of situations most humans in all of history have ever or will ever get themselves into with spirits.
If you’re ever feeling acutely uncomfortable or under attack, we recommend reaching out to trusted clergy (of any tradition you feel comfortable with–good, trustworthy clergy should be able to address and calm any fears you have about spiritual attack and offer practices that might help you), a trusted mental health provider, or a very carefully vetted and thoroughly trustworthy magical practitioner.
Please also protect yourself by choosing not to work with magical practitioners who have a fear-based approach, who try to tell you you’re in danger or have strong attachments or who insist that only they can help you or who ask for unreasonable or increasing sums of money. Also, take it with a grain of salt if you go to any kind of practitioner and they make a big deal out of what you have going on, or “play it up” rather than being calm and professional. It’s fine for a doctor to calmly and respectfully say, “This is not my area of expertise and you might be better served by a different specialist,” but you wouldn’t go to a doctor who took one look at you and said, “Oh, boy, I’ve never seen it this bad, there’s nothing I can do to help you,” so don’t go to a magical practitioner who essentially does that same thing.
7) Safely incorporating and balancing spirit work into and with everyday life
Work to make your spiritual practice and your spirit relationships part of your everyday life, rather than something ‘else’ on top of it, or something separate, or a burden. Do the amount and style of practice that works for you, your life, and your family. Maintain your own ethical and values-based reasoning when you have any sort of relationships, communicate effectively to anyone involved, and only do what lets you feel safe and in integrity with the kind of life you want to lead.
Consider balancing “formal” practice with spirits (formal invocation, altar work, practical magic/spellwork, ritual practice, study, etc) with more everyday “hanging out” kinds of intimacy. Invite them around to chat while you’re doing housework, watching a movie, waiting in line, listening to music, playing a video game, etc. It can be beneficial for any relationship to have some concentrated one-on-one time, but don’t get the idea that it always has to be a certain way.
Don’t worry too much about “quantity” of time, just focus on quality. While even small chunks of regular practice can be very useful for getting better at spirit communication, established relationships don’t have a “quota” or “timer” built into them in any way. Spirits do not need your constant or even frequent attention or energy in order to be happy–they have their own lives and can take care of themselves, and they aren’t just languishing waiting for your attention. They don’t typically experience time like humans do, anyway, and they’re typically very flexible about the “when” and “where” and “how often” of relationships. When you’re with them, just be with them. But when you aren’t or can’t be with them, do NOT worry that they’re suffering, getting mad at you, resenting you, or that they’re going to be less close or intimate or loving or understanding when you see them next.
If things start to get too weird in any way, or you’re feeling exhausted, drained, anxious, confused, or overwhelmed by your spiritual practice, some actually very good advice is simply: Touch grass. It means take a step back. Ground yourself. Check your physical and mental health. Practice good self care. Get the big picture. Question your own assumptions. Be willing to completely stop practices that don’t turn out to be good for you, and do your best to practice good discernment to figure out when that might be the case. Have trusted family, friends, clergy, or practitioners who will tell you when they’re concerned about you, and truly consider what they have to say. If you know you have challenges or conditions that may make you more prone to struggling with discernment or stability, have a care team you can rely on, a sense of your own internal warning signs that it might be time for an adjustment, and plans in place should a situation escalate.
Again, this is all supposed to add to our lives and our ability to show up the ways we wish to, not to detract. Overall, the arc of our practice should make our lives better, calmer, happier, and more steady–not the opposite!
There is SO much more about these practices than we could fit into one blog post (even a LONG one), so please feel free to join our Discord to discuss questions or practices with us and other community members. We’re really interested in empowering people to handle their own practice, and we have seen people be so much more capable than they sometimes think they are with just a little support!
If you’re looking for additional professional assistance of any sort and you like the cut of our jib, have a look at the various services we offer in the shop for beginner, intermediate, or advanced assistance of any sort. We also hope to publish a book specifically about spirit communication sometime within the next year or two, so if you aren’t already part of our mailing list and/or Discord practice community, consider signing up so you can be one of the first people to hear about things we release!